Magnolia Jane Vikilizgani

I just thought I’d resurrect this ole blog to document the birth of our third daughter! (I dont want her to think someday that we left her out!) So here is her birth story I wrote up a few days after she was born.

Magnolia Jane Vikilizgani Simwaka is here!

She was born around 7:15 pm on November 14th. She weighed 7 lbs. 2 oz. and she was 20 1/4 inches long.
We came in at 3 pm to be induced and on the way I looked up more info about inductions and suddenly got very nervous about it. It just seemed like it was a little risky. But I texted a friend who had an induction without any medical reason to do so and she really helped calm me down.
When the nurse checked me, she said I was 4 cm dilated and she thought the induction would go fast. Soon after that I started to have some regular mild contractions. She said it may have started because she checked me and released some hormones. But they were still far apart. Soon they were fairly close together though. Dr. Marter was the one on call and he came in pretty soon after that. He checked me again and both he and the nurse (Jen) saw that my contractions were fairly regular. It looks like I really did go into labor. Still, he ordered that I get a small amount of pitocin after they gave me a dose of the antibiotic for group B strep. He asked if I had any questions and so I asked if it was okay I’d I eventually got the epidural. He said that he would always recommend it to first time moms but that subsequent pregnancies are faster and that epidurals carry some small risks. So he thought I didn’t need it but he said it was up to me since I was the only one who would be experiencing the pain. I didn’t want to look like a wimp but as soon as he left I asked the nurses and they said of course I could get it. Jen said she didn’t even know why he gave that little speech.
Still I figured I had a ways to go so I’d just wait awhile. Kwacha and I tried to find something on the TV but the only thing we were interested in was an old black and white movie on TCM. We both thought we recognized the main actor and so we spent most of the time trying to look up who he was. By the time we figured it out, we realized we had never seen him in anything and we hadn’t paid attention to the movie at all really and had no idea what was going on. So we changed it to Harry Potter and watched a bit of that.
By now my contractions were starting to feel pretty intense. Nurse Jen asked when i might want the epidural and I said maybe in about 10 minutes. She said the anesthesiologist could be there in 5-30 minutes. But about 5 minutes later I said I ‘d go ahead and get it whenever it was available. (I️ don’t know why i always delay!) She said I just needed to finish an IV bag first so she found a little bag to put on it which would open it up more so it would go faster.
Thankfully it went fast and the anesthesiologist was there quickly and he started getting the epidural ready. Nurse Jen (who turned out to be Kwacha’s age, which is only 42) kept saying how young he looked! He turned out to be my age. My contractions were really intense at that point and I had about four of them while he was putting in the epidural. It definitely hurt worse then when I got one with Shirley.
He told me that he wasn’t giving me a strong one to start out but that I could ask them to increase it as long as it was before I had to push. Thankfully it started working pretty quickly and when Jen checked me I was at a 6-7. She told me I had gotten it just in time!
Dr. Marter came in at some point and said that he was expecting a 9:00 pm delivery. That may have been before I got the epidural. I can’t remember.
Mom and Emily came in soon after that to say hi and see how things were going. Emily missed seeing me in a contraction again! They said they were going to get dinner to go and come right back since I still had awhile to go. It may have been about 6:45 or 6:50 at that point.
Well right after they left, Dr. Marter and Jen and another nurse came in. Someone must have checked me because my blood pressure was going down. They said I was at 10 already! Things were kind of a blur but it seemed like 6 or 8 more nurses came in at that point. One nurse in particular was pretty intense. Next thing I know someone put an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth! And Dr. Marter said it was time to deliver the baby!
They set up some high stirrup things for my legs. Kwacha held one leg and the intense nurse held the other. Dr. Marter sat down looking like he was about to catch a football pass. Thankfully they took the oxygen mask off and I started to push. My water broke pretty quickly and it was like a flood being let out of a floodgate. I️ could see it spray up! The epidural had definitely worn off! I felt the ring of fire and was pushing with all my might. It took about 3-5 pushes for Magnolia’s head to come out and then everyone commented how much hair she had! Then one push more and out came her body. I definitely felt the relief!
She cried a little bit but not much which made me a little nervous. A nurse took her and rubbed her and told her to cry some more and she finally did. I really noticed the cord this time! It was really blue and thick. Dr. Marter had Kwacha pass Magnolia to him. She was covered in vernix and Kwacha thought it was a bit gross. He handed her to Dr. Marter and then he had Kwacha cut her cord.
He laid her back down on top of me and I was surprised at how calm she was. She wasn’t crying that much and she kept trying to open her eyes. She finally did and she just stared at my blinking for awhile. She was so cute, I felt a wave of love for her immediately. I noticed right away that she had a dimple in her chin. She stayed on me like that for a whole hour before they even weighed her. It was heaven. ☺️

My Favorite Milestone

Charlotte laughed for the first time today!  That's all I wanted to say.  And, also maybe that I'm a little obsessed with this baby!!

Four Weeks

Charlotte turns one month old tomorrow and I know I'm posting one day early, but I think I'm going to CALM IT DOWN a bit this time around.  I'll still be taking monthly pictures for her first year, but I'll probably just post them to Instagram with a line or two.  This led me to think, "poor second baby".    There may not seem to be as much hype, attention, even -- dare I say -- joy the second time around.  But let me attest to the fact that this is not true!  Sure the first time around I didn't have much to do but just stare at Shirley all day.  My hubby didn't expect me to keep the apartment spic and span, I didn't have a toddler to take care of, and my brother-in-law wasn't visiting from Malawi.  (More on that later.)  But is this really all such a bad thing?  I think there is a reason why second children often have more laid back personalities.  The focus isn't just on them all the time and that's actually really good!  They don't grow up with the feeling that the world is centered around them.  I don't know, these are just some thoughts mulling around in my tired little brain.  

All that to say, I am just LOVING this four week old! 

 

I mean, how could I not, right?  (Wow!  I just realized this picture is from when she was two weeks old and now I see just how much faster these last two weeks went then the first two weeks!  Crazy!)

Charlotte is definitely giving us a "run for our money" as they say.  And really, that is just in comparison to Shirley.  (And that is just according to our memories.)  In actuality Charlotte is a really easy baby too.  She just was more of a cluster feeder in the beginning and she's got a pretty good set of lungs on her when she does cry.  

But she is just. so. sweet!  And yes, she mainly smiles after she eats so it could just be gas, but she really does smile a lot!  Big open gummy grins with these cute little dimples.  She melts me.  Poor girl has some pretty bad acne now, but I keep reading that it will go away soon enough.  Really, it's kinda worse than a teenager.  

Little Zizi has also had a very busy last two weeks.  As hinted at earlier, Kwacha's youngest sibling, Malumbo, is visiting us this month so we have been out and about trying to show him the best of Los Angeles!  Zizi has truly been a little trooper.  And Shirley has been absolutely loving her time with Uncle "Malo".  She always wants to know where he is and she loves holding his hand.  I think he has really helped with her transition to the role of big sister; a role that she has taken on with joy and gusto!  Too much sometimes.  Poor Charlotte has to stay on the alert!  Her big sister is constantly asking, "Can I hold it?"  She gives her little kisses on the forehead and helps me know when she needs her paci.  I have loved watching their (mostly one sided) little relationship so far.

Well, I had originally planned on giving you all a little "day in the life" sorta thing to show how different life is with two!  But I think I'll stop here for now.  Maybe another day.  

For now I'll end with one more picture.  :)

Charlotte Zizipizgani Simwaka

Well, it's Saturday, February 6th and I had my second little girl two days ago.  I wanted to make sure I recorded her birth story before I get hazy on the details.  Charlotte arrived on her due date, Feb. 4th, 2016!  (Disclaimer:  Maybe don't read if you're a little squeamish.  Although I think I kept it pretty PG.)

On and off last week I had tons of Braxton Hicks and I'd go to bed and have a few false labor contractions.  I always knew they weren't the real deal because they were spaced far apart and never got very intense.  Wednesday morning, Kwacha and I went in for our last scheduled appointment with my OB.  He said that I was between 2-3 centimeters and she was ready to come anytime.  Because I have gestational diabetes with my pregnancies and I also had group b strep this time, he wanted to schedule an induction for that week.  We chose Saturday (which would have been today...crazy!) which seemed a bit early, but then our OB would be on call and he would be the one delivering her which we were happy about.  Still, I really wanted to go into labor naturally and that's what I was praying for.  I figured she had time!

Well, Wednesday night we went to sleep pretty late, around 12:30.  I didn't feel any differently than I had any other night (except I did have a little lower back pain when we went on a walk after dinner), so I thought I definitely wouldn't be going into labor.  Well, around 2:00 a.m. I started feeling those contractions again only this time they seemed a bit stronger.  After a few pretty intense ones I woke up Kwacha and told him that I thought this was it, but I wasn't positive, so we didn't need to get ready yet.  Well, a few minutes later they were coming every four minutes, so I decided to get up and do my makeup.  (With Shirley I didn't do that and I regretted it.  Ha!  I had told Kwacha that I didn't care how bad contractions were, I was getting ready this time.)  Kwacha called my mom and asked her to come over and stay with Shirley.  She was beyond excited.

Contractions continued to get more intense and closer together by now.  They were coming every 2-3 minutes and I had to stop what I was doing to get through them.  But I could still talk through them.  Kwacha called the hospital.  It was probably around 2:45 or 3 by this point.  Even though he told them that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, lasting for about a minute, and that I had had them for close to an hour, they still told him that we should stay home for another hour or two!  Kwacha said, "Forget it.  We're coming in."

Up until this point, I had determined that I was going to stay home as long as possible, that I would try and wait to get an epidural until I was farther along than last time, so at least 6 centimeters.  (This was partly in case I have to have a drug free labor in Malawi someday.  I wanted to be prepared.)  But when my mom got to our place I had had enough of the pain!  I said that I didn't care what I had said before.  I was getting an epidural as soon as I got to the hospital!  And why would anyone not get an epidural??

So, Kwacha and I packed the car and drove off.  I had one strong contraction in the car.  I'm still so thankful that we are only five minutes away from the hospital!  When we got to Emergency I seemed fine but told them I was in labor.  Thankfully I had one right after I sat in the wheelchair so I maybe seemed a bit more legit?  Anyway, I was wheeled up, had one contraction on the way, and when we got to our L&D room they told me to change into the gown and give a urine sample.  Well, I had 3-4 contractions in the bathroom, probably less than a minute apart.  This is when I started to get a little concerned.

When I came out of the bathroom, no one was in the room.  Not even Kwacha.  I started to get a little panicky but then Kwacha came in.  I told him I didn't know what to do.  Should I sit?  The contractions just seemed so bad!  Well, I wound up sitting on the bed and the nurse came in and started asking me lots of questions and hooked me up to a monitor.  I was getting lots of contractions and was just miserable sitting on the bed.  I wondered...when is she going to check me?!  Finally she did and she quickly and calmly said, "You're an 8 - 9."  I just said, "Oh my word!  Can I get an epidural??"  And she replied, "Probably not.  I'm not going to lie to you."  I don't even know why I asked it.  I knew there was no way I'd be able to sit still long enough to get one.  As soon as she responded with that, I felt ready to throw up, not just because of the pain, but primarily because of fear.  I felt trapped.  I was not ready for this.  I had never taken a class on natural childbirth.

I started to tell Kwacha, "I can't do this! I can't do this!!"  But another nurse came in and they started getting me ready.  The pain was immense.  And the contractions were right on top of each other.  I always kinda wondered, do you really need to make all that noise when you're in labor?  Well, I was shocked at the sounds coming out of me.  It seemed like the only thing that could possibly help ease the pain.  Pretty soon the doctor was there and it was time to push.  The nurses told me to try and stop screaming and internalize that to power the baby out.  It seemed like the hardest thing to do at that point, but I did my best.  A ring of fire and three sets of pushes after that and she was out! It still amazes me how you can go from the worst pain imaginable to utter relief and bliss.  They laid a little slimy Charlotte on top of me and I was so happy it was all over and she was with us!  It was 4:15 a.m.  Just about two hours after contractions had started.  I had been at the hospital for only 45 minutes.  If Kwacha had listened to the lady who told us to stay at home for an hour, we wouldn't have made it!

All of Thursday I didn't even want to think back on the labor, it seemed like a horror film.  But two days after with a little sleep, it didn't seem all that bad.  God's Word tells the truth, the pain is forgotten with the joy of bringing a new little life into the world.  I still will definitely get an epidural next time if humanly possible!  Ha!  But, at least I know it's possible and you survive!  (And I shouldn't even complain with such a short labor.)

I am just in awe of how God creates these beautiful little babies and gives us the privilege of raising them.  He is so good and a marvelous Creator!  We love our little Charlotte!

Ramblings on Baby Number Two

Poor second babies.  You know what I mean, don't you?  I don't think I have to explain.

But, just so you know, I am definitely JUST as excited for baby # 2!  I just haven't blogged about him or her yet.  I would post the ultrasound picture of our little lemon (lemon being a good thing here, that's how big our baby is right now!), but I'm not at home at the moment and I don't have it with me.  

Even though this baby will be just two years younger than Shirley, little lemon didn't come as early as we had hoped.  But God's timing is perfect and even though it was a comparatively short wait to many, I still learned much from waiting.  And now I am actually thrilled with the two year gap.  

Little lemon is due February 4th and so I'm just into my second trimester.  Definitely more morning (really afternoon) sickness this time, and I have Gestational Diabetes again, but everything is so worth it.  I can't wait to see Shirley as a big sister!  

There are some things I am nervous about; nursing again, trying to take care of a newborn with a rambunctious two year old running around, getting two little kids in and out of the car, flying to Malawi with TWO little ones.  But, I am way more excited than nervous.  

So, that's pretty much it for today.  Just wanted to make sure that if my babies ever read this blog, they know they were all greatly anticipated.  And some of you may not have noticed the little ticker thing up top.  :)

Musings

Just thinking about Malawi today as I look at pictures of our trip that was almost a year ago!  Hard to believe.  It's also hard to believe that Kwacha's sister, Evelyn, and our niece, Charity, are going to be here in less than a month!  So exciting.

I don't have much to say today besides that, and the fact that this is one of my favorite pictures of Kwacha.  Ever.  In the middle of a tea plantation.

It's love.

Shirley wasn't such a fan.

Thoughts, Shirley and a Recipe

I may have mentioned this before, but one of my favorite songs growing up was, "When I get to Heaven gonna walk with Jesus, when I get to Heaven gonna see His face, when I get to Heaven gonna talk with Jesus, saved by His wonderful grace!  Because I'm saved, saved, wonderfully saved, washed in the blood of the Lamb, Hallelujah! Saved, saved, wonderfully saved, and I'm so glad I am, Hallelujah!"
I still love it, and I think it really simplifies things for me.  I was reading over Matthew 5 this morning, the Beatitudes.  Jesus highlights the heart behind the Law.  He didn't come to abolish it but to fulfill it.  (Major paraphrasing there.)  I was kind of asking myself, how do I know if I'm trying to seek my own righteousness, or Christ's?  And I was reminded of my favorite verse, "Though you have not seen Him, you love Him.  Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:6-9)
It comes down to love.  When I love God I obey Him.  Just as when I truly love anyone, I sacrifice for them, I seek to please them.  And this is all based on His love for me first.  And all this is mine through faith by His grace!  So simple!  You know, until sin gets in the way.  But Jesus says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."  May we seek Jesus' righteousness all the time!

Shirley girly is going to be 17 months tomorrow, so I thought a little update is in order.  How she fills our lives with joy!  She is so full of personality.  Kwacha and I both grew up shy and quiet, but it's like God took our two personalities and canceled them out to create Shirley's!  She still says hi to everyone she sees and she loves to give kisses and hugs.  Especially "fish lip kissies" and "eskimo kissies!"  She has a newfound love for the park.  She just started going down the slide by herself and her favorite person to go with is Bren.   He calls her "Shirwee".  It's just super cute.
Of course, with all this personality comes a fair share of discipline!  She is very independent and strong-willed.  She definitely has whining down, especially when it's dinner time because she just wants more and more to eat!
She is learning a lot of new words and it's fun to see her say things that I didn't focus on teaching her. I taught her how to point to her eyes, ears, nose, mouth, etc.  But one day I asked her to show me her feet, which I had never asked her before, and she pointed to them; the same thing with her toe.  It's just amazing to see the things they pick up.
I just hope that one day, this spirited girl would pour her energy into the Lord and serving Him with her life.

Last thing I have today is a recipe for the most scrumptious, easy dessert!
I found the recipe on Pinterest from this site.

They are called "Flourless Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bars" and they are dangerously fast and easy to make.
I tweaked the recipe just a bit:

Ingredients:
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 light brown sugar (or coconut sugar - I also added 1 packet of truvia since the recipe calls for a 3/4 cup)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp kosher salt
1 large egg (at room temp.)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 tsp carob powder (or 1/2 semi-sweet chocolate chips)
1/3 cup old fashioned rolled oats (I used instant and it turned out fine)

Mix the first four ingredients until well-combined on medium, then add in the egg and vanilla and mix on medium-low.  Add in carob powder and stir in oats by hand.  Press into a greased 8x8 pan and bake in a 350 degree oven for 22 minutes.  Enjoy!  They are basically my new version of brownies!

Blessed Assurance

I am writing this post today in hopes of it being helpful to someone out there.  
Anyone who knows me well, knows that in the past I greatly struggled with assurance of salvation.  I guess I should give a little background first.  When I was five, my best friend at the time told me that to become a Christian, I had to ask Jesus into my heart.  I even remember where we were standing.  It was after school got out and we were right outside the bookstore at Grace Community Church.  I had never known a time when I did not know who Jesus is.  I was attracted to everything I knew about Him.  Why would I not want to be a Christian?  Of course I prayed the prayer with her.  Was I saved at that time?  I don't know for sure.  I can't remember what I thought about sin.  I knew I was a sinner, I knew that Jesus died for sin on the cross, but I don't remember having an understanding of repentance and turning from that sin.  

I'm also not sure when I started doubting whether I was truly saved, but I think it may have been sometime in Junior High.  That's when I started having a "quiet time."  (Time reading the Bible and praying.)  I did this with a very legalistic mindset though.  I felt that I needed to spend some time reading the Bible and then I could watch TV the rest of the night.  It was mostly a duty to me, although in High School I know I started enjoying reading the Bible.  But I remember lying in my bed at night, wondering if I should tell my mom that I was scared to die.  "If I tell her", I thought, "she will be so upset to find out that I may not be a Christian."  I'm sure I said "the prayer" over and over.  

Well, fast forward to September 11, 2001.  My family was in Hawaii on vacation.  (The only time I've ever been to Hawaii.)  It was my senior year of High School.  I remember that morning that I spent some time in the Word and I sang a few hymns on the balcony of our hotel looking out at the water.  I felt pretty good about everything.  Then my dad got a call from his boss at work and he told us to turn on the TV.  The first thing I saw was the World Trade Center on fire with the words, "America Attacked."  To say it kind of killed our vacation is an understatement.  From that moment on I was TERRIFIED.  I did not want to get on a plane to go home for fear that terrorists would take over our plane as well!  (However unlikely that would have been.)  I was extremely afraid to die.  So what did that have to say about my salvation?  

For years after that I struggled.  I started doubting everything, including whether or not God existed.  I desperately wanted to believe that He did, but I just wasn't sure.  How could I be saved if I was doubting even God's existence?  Sometimes I couldn't eat.  I thought that if God determined from the beginning of time who would be saved, and He had decided not to save me, then what was the point in living?  Except I was terrified to die so suicide was definitely not an option.  I felt scared and trapped and deeply depressed.  Things only started turning around when I poured out my heart to God and spent time reading His Word.  

Can I say that I think every person raised in the church needs to deal with these questions at some point?  It's not enough to say that if we have Christian parents we are Christian's.  No one is born a believer, we are all born sinners, hating God and loving our own sin.  

I remember later on that year, my High School Bible study leader asked to hear my testimony and at the end he said, you didn't mention anything about your sin.  This sent me into waves of terror again, but it was a good question.  I knew I was a sinner but did I really understand that it was so awful that I was deserving hell because of it?  

In college I really wrestled with this concept of sin and a new worry was forming.  Was I sorry enough for my sin?  I rarely cried over my sin.  Did I hate it enough?  Did I really repent if I wasn't constantly in tears over it?  

I found this quote sometime in college and it's been in a notebook of mine ever since.  I read it in Saved Without a Doubt by John MacArthur.  The main quote is from Ironside.  I don't know his first name, I just have Ironside written down.  :)  It goes like this:

"Test yourself in this way.  You once lived in sin and loved it.  Do you now desire deliverance from it?  You were once self-confident and trusting in your own fancied goodness.  Do you now judge yourself as a sinner before God?  You once sought to hide from God and rebelled against His authority.  Do you now look up to Him, desiring to know Him, and to yield yourself to Him?  IF you can honestly say "yes" to these questions, you have repented...and remember, it is not the amount of repentance that counts; it is the fact that you turn from self to God that puts you in the place where His grace avails through Jesus Christ.  Strictly speaking, not one of us have ever repented enough.  None of us has realized the enormity of our guilt as God sees it.  But when we judge ourselves and trust the Savior whom He has provided we are saved through His merits.  As recipients of His lovingkindness, repentance will be deepened and will continue day by day, as we learn more and more of His infinite worth and our own unworthiness."  

And John added to that, "Do you see the impulses of the new nature in your life?  If so, that's indicative of salvation.  If God's will has become your highest joy, and submission to His lordship your greatest delight, you are indeed a child of God - no matter how strong the pull of sin."  

A few years later I was still struggling when I was at the Resolved conference. One night we sang "Rock of Ages" and it became one of my favorite hymns.  

Here are a couple of verses:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Cleanse me from its guilt and power.

Not the labors of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone. 

John MacArthur has another saying that I have always loved, "It's not perfection, but direction."  

These things were all helpful but I think the thing that really helped settle me was dwelling on God's love for me and what Jesus did on the cross.  I finally realized that good works did not come from trying really hard.  Good works can NEVER save you.  That's super comforting because we can never do enough good works.  God saved me by His grace alone.  He gave me faith in Him.  And because of that faith and that joy that comes from that knowledge, I am a new person.  I want to obey!  It's from the heart!  It's not perfect.  Go read Romans 7.  But that new heart is there!  

A recent joy has been studying 1 John at Every Woman's Grace.  This book, like no other, has deepened my assurance.  That's why it was written!  (1 John 5:13 - "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life.")  A true believer believes that Jesus is the Son of God, they obey Him and they love others.  It's as simple as that.  Is that obedience and love perfect right now?  No, but it's there and growing and one day will be made perfect when we see Christ face to face!  

I love what Andrew Gutierrez (the previous High School pastor at GCC) would often say:
Something like, "When we are saved the rest of our life we live in obedience as a big 'thank you' back to God."

I'll end with "Blessed Assurance"

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! 
O what a foretaste of glory divine! 
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long;
this is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
angels descending bring from above
echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Perfect submission, all is at rest;
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
watching and waiting, looking above
filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

If you're reading this and you don't truly know God or you are doubting whether or not you do, please please please talk to someone who does know Him!  

One last thing.  (Okay I guess I didn't really end up there.)  I am so thankful for the body of Christ, the church.  God gives us fellow believers to comfort, strengthen, lovingly rebuke and encourage.  There are SO MANY people over the years that really helped me with all this and I feel like I have to mention them!  

My High School small group leader, Holly.  I must have driven her crazy with my constant questions and concerns, but she was so patient and loving.  Christen, one of my best friends growing up. My college roomie and High School friend, Melissa.  My college Bible study leader and his wife, Clint and Kim.    They had me over one night to their place and gave me many verses and helped me think through things and they talked with me other times too.  Heather.  She talked with me at a college retreat once and wrote me a super long email that I still have to this day somewhere. Beth, one of my Junior High teachers and later I had her in college too!  She talked with me in her office one day.  Glenna, Nicole and Mariejtie.  All three of them discipled me in and after college.  My pastors and the many helpful sermons they preached, John MacArthur and Rick Holland.  And most of all my parents and sister.  They put up with everything for years!  And they were so patient and loving and helpful all the way through.  There are so many others.  God used each of you in my life and I am so thankful. 

Hiking

Kwacha, Shirley and I have started a new thing.  Well, new for us.  We hike!  :)  Actually I wouldn't even say that hiking is new for us, but habitual hiking is.  We've gone hiking in a number of places but we've landed on a favorite.  The above picture is my favorite spot on the trail and it pretty much looks exactly like this.  I barely touched that photo.  

Going on frequent hikes has allowed us to see things we wouldn't see if we only went ever so often.  We have seen beetles (oh joy!), bunnies, caterpillars, frogs and even deer!  God is just such a brilliant Creator!  I love being out in His creation.  It's also a wonderful form of exercise.  I don't know of any other kind that is so enjoyable.  

The hills have been so green after the rain we had this year.  In these pictures, it's actually started to brown.  Can you believe that Santa Clarita was greener than this even?!

I also just love the time spent with Kwacha and Shirley.  I learn new things about my husband as we traipse through the mountains.  On Saturday night, I found out that he once killed a chicken by jumping on it accidentally.  He then plucked it, cooked it and ate it!  And he was only about 13 years old apparently.  That's what you get with an African husband.  :)

Kwacha spotted this gorgeous pack of lupines.  Have any of you ever read the story, Miss Rumphius? If you haven't, you should.  I always think of it when I see these flowers.

Anyway, I highly suggest hiking if you don't already do it!

Home Life

Sometimes I have whole heaps of things to write about, but most often words just do not come.  I think it's because life is pretty routine.  I get up, spend a little quiet time on my own, then I wake up Shirley (except she's usually already awake).  The two of us eat breakfast, I do the dishes and clean the bedroom.  Then Shirley and I spend a little time together until she goes down for her nap.  I (sometimes) work out, take a shower, eat lunch, read a little, email a little, call anyone I need to...then I wake her up again (except she's usually already awake.)  I feed Shirley her lunch and let her run around while I clean something.  Pretty soon Kwacha is home (it's so nice that he gets home around 2).  He plays with Shirley while I start dinner.  We eat, sometimes go on a hike, sometimes read, sometimes go grocery shopping (since we have the one car).  Then we come home, feed Shirley her dinner, give her a bath, put her to bed and then spend time together talking or watching I Love Lucy.  It may get routine, but I generally love it.
When I feel some complaining in my heart coming on, mostly over dishes, I try to remind myself that I am married to a fantastic husband and I have a sweet little daughter.  That's why there are dishes in the sink.  Doing dishes is now a reminder of the blessings God has given me.  Blessings I don't deserve.
Still there are times I get anxious or impatient or worried about things, mostly future things, sometimes present things.  The worst part about being anxious is...being anxious.  And yet, God tells us we don't have to be!  I mean, isn't that amazing?  We can bring anything and everything to Him and He will take care of it.  I can't remember exactly how it goes but one of my favorite quotes from Elisabeth Elliot is something like, "Restlessness and impatience affect nothing but our joy and peace."  I love that.  It's just something I have been thinking about a lot lately.
This post is starting to feel random so I think I'll just end on some random things about life:

-I started attending Every Woman's Grace about a month ago.  It's been such a blessing.  I love the Bible studies we receive each week.  The questions are deep and applicable and they really help reveal sin that I need to repent of while reminding me of the character of God.  I love the fellowship with other moms and older, wise women.  I am so thankful that my friend, Michelle, is able to drive Shirley and me.  (And her daughter Lucy is about six months older than Shirley and super sweet.  The first week they held hands in the parking lot as we were walking to the car.  ::melt::)  If you are reading this and you aren't able to go, I would suggest printing the lessons off the Grace Church website.  Especially if you don't know what to study at the moment.

-Kwacha's sister, Jellita, is coming to visit a week from tomorrow!  She's never been to the US and she will be staying for two weeks.  We have all kinds of fun things planned but mostly I am excited to see Shirley interact with her Auntie.  She LOVED her when we visited Malawi.  I am also looking forward to extended time with her so I can get to know her better.  :)  Please pray for her flight!  It is a long way to travel solo!

-And if anyone is wondering about Shirley, she's her usual cheerful, spunky self.  She can make lots of animal noises now.  She also says, All done, Oh Boy! and Hi and Buh-bye.  She blows kisses and has started to say No! after I say no.  (We're working on that one.)  She's a little independent one but still very friendly and she fills our hearts with joy.

With daddy at the zoo.

Book Review: Gone With the Wind

Many years ago my mom convinced me to watch the film version of Gone With the Wind.  I remembered two things about it; it was unfathomably long and I could not stand Scarlett O'Hara.  Well, about a month ago I was alone at my mom's house waiting for the laundry to finish so I could head home.  I meandered through my mom's books and saw Gone With the Wind.  I had actually started it once when I was in college but I didn't get too far.  This time I thought...why not?  I had time to kill and I probably wouldn't finish it anyway.  Surprisingly I couldn't put it down!

I took the book home with me but a bunch of pages were falling out.  I asked Kwacha if I could buy it  for my Kindle on Amazon since the price wasn't too shabby for a 1037 page book.  (I think it might be the longest book I have ever read, second to the Bible.)  Thankfully he said yes.

I think it was the way that Margaret Mitchell described the characters that initially drew me in.  Once I really got into it though, Scarlett O'Hara was bugging me just as much as I remembered, if not more!  And this continued on and on.  I don't think it's ever pleasant to see someone else's sins and realize that those same sins reside in your own heart, even if it may not come out in the same way.  Pride, vanity, way too much self-reliance and rudeness are just some of the words one might use to describe Scarlett's character.  

Rhett Butler wasn't much better.  And don't get me started on Ashley Wilkes, the weak-hearted weasel!  Ahem...anyway.  Melanie Wilkes was one of the few redeeming characters in the book.  She is the reason I kept on reading.  Well, partly.  As much as I couldn't stand Scarlett O'Hara, I sympathized with her many times, especially after the Civil War started and her parents died and she struggled to help her family survive hunger and thievery from the Yankees.  I kept reading in hopes that these trials would cause her to change, and they started to, but then she started gaining wealth and she married Rhett and her love for money turned her into a monster.  

One of the things that surprised me most in reading the book was the Southern perspective on the Civil War.  I think most people grow up learning about the Civil War through the Northern perspective.  You can't help but siding with the Yankees.  Of course, I don't know how true to life the book is, but if it is, there were certainly some atrocities played out by the Union.  In many cases, obviously, slavery was a horrible thing.  But there were also a number of slaves that loved the families they served and even when they were given the opportunity for freedom, they remained with the families.  It seems that the Union put many former slaves in the legislature whether they were qualified or not.  And many of the Yankees did not care for the people at all and still didn't see them as equal, even though they fought for their freedom.  (A side note: I know extremely little about politics, I will admit, so take what I say here with a grain of salt.)  All that to say, I was fascinated at reading about the Civil War through a new lens.

As I said before, my favorite character is Melanie. She is so full of love for Scarlett that she never believes any evil of her (which believe me, there was plenty!). Her character truly lives out 1 Corinthians 13, that love believes all things and hopes all things. She portrays a gentle and quiet spirit  without fear. The horrible thing is that Scarlett hated her in return because she married the man she was "in love" with. However, Melanie's relentless love for Scarlett wins her over in the end. When Melanie dies at the end of the book, Scarlett realizes that she does indeed love her and that Melanie was truly one of the few people that loved Scarlett. She realizes how much she depended on her and she's devastated over her death. But it's Melanie's death that helps wake Scarlett up to the truth. She finally sees Ashley for who he really is and she realizes that she actually doesn't love him. She really  loves Rhett but by this time it's too late. Rhett had finally had enough and leaves. Throughout the book Scarlett deals with every trial she faces by saying, "I'll think about it tomorrow." So the book ends with her planning how to get Rhett back "tomorrow." Because after all, "Tomorrow is another day."

I don't think I'll read another book of this length for a looooong time, BUT, it did leave me with the truth that God alone satisfies. Scarlett found no satisfaction in money or people. Her love for money ruined her life just as 1 Timothy tells us it will. Her best friend died and her husband left her. We must always put our hope and trust in God alone.

New Year

New Year's Resolutions.  I'm finally talking about them in February.  Have you been asked if you made any yet?  I think I've been asked two or three times and I had to admit that I hadn't made any.  It seems like people are either passionately for them or aggressively against them.  I wouldn't say that I fit either of the extremes but I would tend toward the latter.  I'm not against making new year's resolutions by any means.  It's good to sit back and evaluate where you are at and where you'd like to be.

It's been discussed before but the main reason I typically don't make them is because after January I tend to forget about them.  The hype ends in February and you get back into the normal, daily routine of life.  

I found some statistics about new year's resolutions on the ole internet.  

45% of American's usually make them.

8% of American's are successful in achieving them.  

But, "People who explicitly make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't explicitly make resolutions."

(All of my info was found from www.statisticbrain.com).

Why do we make resolutions at all?

Hopefully, for a believer, the ultimate purpose is to grow in godliness and glorify God.

So, I finally came up with one.  Just one.  I think one single resolution will help me actually attain it and put things in focus.  And it's a resolution that will help make all other pursuits possible and bring about real change and that is to be faithful in prayer.

I read a really helpful devotional by Elizabeth Elliot this morning about prayer.  I'll copy some of it here:

"'If you, bad as you are, know how to give your children what is good for them, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask Him?' (Matt. 7:11, NEB).  Are you often tempted as I am to doubt the effectiveness of prayer?  But Jesus prayed.  He told us to pray.  We can be sure that the answer will come, and it will be good...Prayer is a weapon.  Paul speaks of the 'weapons we wield' in 2 Cor. 10:4-5.  They are 'not merely human, but divinely potent to demolish strongholds' (NEB)...The Destroyer himself, [urges] me to quit using the weapon he fears so intensely."  

From Keep A Quiet Heart

Prayer is effective.  God is faithful to answer.  He tells us to pray.  And Satan fears it.  

I finished out the last few months of 2014 spending much more time in the Word but by the time my hour or so was up every morning before I needed to get Shirley out of bed, I hadn't spend more than about a minute or two praying to God.  This morning I decided to get out my journal and write down things to pray for using the old A.C.T.S. method (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) and then I spend some time praying through those things. What a difference it makes spending time talking to our God!

It's actually been about a week since I started this post.  Things are still going well.  (I would hope so after only a week.)  Isn't it amazing that God wants to hear from us?  And that He actually listens to us and answers our prayer??  The God of the universe!  That in itself should convict us and lead us to prayer.  Do any of you readers out there have any little things that help you to be faithful in prayer?  I'd love to hear!

My One Year Old

Shirley is now one year old.  As of yesterday.  She's officially no longer considered a baby but a toddler!  What??!!  NO!!!!  Okay, I"m not really that sad, but it's definitely bittersweet.  I looked through a bunch of her pictures and videos yesterday along with the ones taken moments after she was born.  It made my heart hurt.  It just went by so fast.  She can never be a baby again and I now fully understand why every momma will tell you to treasure and savor each moment.  
How can I even begin to describe how much I love her?  I spent much of yesterday morning thanking God for her.  I read over Psalm 103.  It describes all that God has done for us.  He's forgiven us of ALL our sins, He's healed all of our diseases, He redeems us from the pit, He crowns us with lovingkindess and mercy.  All of that is WAY BEYOND what we deserve.  In fact, it's completely opposite of what we deserve.  And then He chooses to give us more blessings beyond all of that.  Blessings like my sweet little funny Shirley.  
She's now walking all over the place, like a little waddling penguin.  I have a bag of clothes of hers that I'm getting ready to donate (In fact, anyone have a little girl under a year that's in need of clothes?  Let me know!)  and she'll take one piece out at a time and walk around dragging it behind.  
She has started to make a surprised face all the time.  She forms her mouth into a large O and her eyes become wide as the moon.  
She blows kisses, and she finally started to give me little kisses!  She kinda just leans her mouth towards my face.  
She loves her little stuffed doggie and calls it "Dah-dee".  When I wake her up from nap time she has to grab him and bring him along.  
She loves everyone she meets and will reach out for complete strangers to hold her.  Emily let a random lady in Starbucks hold her the other day.  
I thought that being a new mom to a little baby would be so hard.  I thought I would be lonely at home.  I thought her cries would bug me.  I thought that I would get bored playing with simple toys and reading simple books to her.  I thought I would still love being a mom but I didn't realize how much!  I don't mind if she's my only company during the day.  Her cries make my heart break, even when she's crying out of sinful anger.  I could spend hours (maybe) playing with her and snuggling with her as we fight over who turns the pages of her books!  
When I woke her up yesterday morning the sudden brightness of the light caused her to look at me all squinty-eyed and she smiled a sweet little smile.  I picked her up and she snuggled her head on my shoulder for almost two minutes!  (A rare thing for this always-on-the-go girl.)  It was like a little gift to me on her birthday.  I realized her birthday is more like mine because I'm the one who got the greatest little gift the day she was born.  I'm almost in tears just thinking of it and God's goodness.  
Some wondered why Kwacha and I wanted to have a baby right away, but I don't care what anyone thinks about it.  We wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  Shirley has brought us even closer, figuring out how to care for a little newborn, noticing little bits of each of us in her face.  We get to thank God for her together and depend on Him even more for wisdom in how to raise her.  Most of all we pray that one day she might know Him, love Him and serve Him and experience that greatest joy of all, being with Him for eternity.  
Thanks for reading about Shirley this past year and sharing in our joy.  We are thankful for all of you too!

11 Months

I can't believe there is only one month left until Shirley is one year old!  This month has been full of new things for Shirley:

She has started taking steps.  She usually only takes one or two, but one day she took six or seven!  I was home alone with her and pretty much went crazy.  It might have scared her because she hasn't done it since.  I'm not really complaining though.  I know it will come soon enough!

Shirley also learned how to climb stairs (and how to get back down).  Now we have to keep a strict eye on her at my mom's house.

She copies everything her mama and daddy does.  She evens copies my mom's dogs!

Speaking of dogs, she discovered Maggie and Tacy this month and she LOVES them.  She's not afraid of them at all.  She'll pet them and stick her finger in their mouths and laugh at them.  I took her over to the back door one day when the dogs were outside and Tacy jumped up on the glass right near Shirley's face but she didn't even blink.  (Her fearlessness may not be a good thing.)

Whenever I tell Shirley "no" or say "Shirley" in a serious tone she shakes her head back and forth.

She also started saying some words and she started pointing at things in books.  Shirley loves her rubber ducky at bath time and she often will say "duh, duh" while she's playing with it.  We checked out a book from the library last week called "Time for Bed, Fred!"  It's a book about a dog finding his bed.  At one point he splashes in a mud puddle and gets all dirty so he has to take a bath.  Well, there's a rubber ducky on that page and she surprised me one day by pointing to the duck and saying "duh"!  Now every time we read it she does the same thing!
At meal times when she's in her chair I tell her to raise her arms up so that I can snap on the tray and now she'll repeat me and say "up, up".  She also loves to say "hi" and she'll wave while she says it and sometimes she'll repeat the word, "baby".

I love this little girl so much.  It's so cliche to say but it is so hard to imagine that there was a point in life where she didn't exist.  She brings her daddy and me so much joy with her sweetness and spunkiness.  I just love being her mama!

Sovereignty in the Details

During the wee hours of Sunday morning my Uncle Gary's gallbladder ruptured.  We weren't sure if there were other problems involved but it wound up only being his gallbladder.  He had surgery that night and is now in recovery and he is going to be okay.  We are all so grateful.
Another little something happened on Sunday and I hesitated in writing this at first, just because I know my own heart and how easy it is to seek attention for silly things.  But I am just so thankful to God in the way He kept my little family safe and when I think about it, it reminds me of His loving care and sovereignty.
On Sunday afternoon as we headed back home from church, Kwacha, Shirley and I got in a little accident.  We skidded a bit on some large puddles right before a giant wave hit our windshield and completely blocked our view of the road.  We crashed into yellow sand barrels, which protected us from hitting a concrete barrier, but which also sent us back into the lane.  Kwacha lost control of the car and we clipped, of all things, a tow truck!  We didn't have to wait around for CHP in the rain.  (Don't worry, we DID file a report with our insurance later that day.)  The tow truck owner was on his way back to his lot with an empty truck.  So he took us home and then took our car back to the lot with him.  Our car was definitely totaled but we all came out without a single injury, not even whiplash.
I mean, God is in the details, isn't He??  We could have crashed into anything after that wave hit our windshield, but we hit sand barrels put their for our safety.  We could have crashed into another car causing injury to others but we didn't.  Out of all cars we hit a tow truck!  His truck was fine and he was able to take us home immediately.  And on top of that, God protected my sweet husband and precious baby.
He could have not spared us and He would still be just as good and sovereign.  He could not have spared Uncle Gary and yet He would still be just as good and sovereign.  I thought of Philippians 2:7 where Paul talks about how God had mercy on Epaphroditus when He spared him from death.  He never has to spare us from death, but it is always by His mercy when He does.  I am so thankful that I serve such a loving, powerful God!

The Companionship of the Lord Himself

I don't really have anything in particular to write about today, except some random thoughts perhaps. Shirley is wonderful to me but there are other things in life besides Shirley.
Speaking of Shirley though, I do love her so much.  And I absolutely love my husband.  I have a few friends that can bring themselves to tears just thinking about loved ones dying.  I was never one of those girls until I got married.  Okay, I know this post is starting to get morbid but stay with me.  I know that worrying about what could happen is never productive.  What is the point in worrying about something that may not happen (and usually won't)?  As the Bible says, "sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt. 6:34)  But I do sometimes wonder to myself how I would handle a really difficult trial like that.  I know that God's grace is great.  When my dad died I experienced the comfort of God through His Word and sweet friends.  He does give a peace that is beyond understanding.  But as hard as it was to say goodbye to my dad for now, in my mind I think it would be even harder to have to say goodbye to Kwacha or Shirley.  Could I handle it?  I think it comes down to this: Do I love God more than anyone or anything else?
That is an important question to ask myself.  I may not have to worry about Kwacha or Shirley dying today, but how is my life right now a living testimony that I love God more than either of them?  I'm not writing an answer to that right now.  I have to search my heart.  But the cool thing is, if I love God more than them, I am also going to love them in just the way that I should!  That is an extremely comforting thought.
I shared the following with a couple of friends recently who experienced the extremely difficult trial of miscarriage.  I can't empathize with them, but I definitely sympathize.  
It's a quote from Stepping Heavenward.  One of my favorite books. It's at a point in the book where an older lady who had lost most of her family is talking to a younger girl whose fiancé had just died.

Sometimes I find it a help, when dull and cramped in my devotions, to say to myself: Suppose Christ should now appear before you, and you could see Him as He appeared to His disciples on earth, what would you say to Him? This brings Him near, and I say what I would say if He were visibly present. I do the same when a new sorrow threatens me. I imagine my Redeemer as coming personally to say to me, 'For your sake I am a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; now for My sake give me this child, bear this burden, submit to this loss,' Can I refuse Him? Now, dear, He really has come to you in this way, and asked you to show your love to Him, your faith in Him, by giving Him the most precious of your treasures. If He were here at this moment, and offered to restore it to you, would you dare say, 'Yes, Lord, I know, far better than You do, what is good for him and good for me; I will have him return to me, whatever it may cost; in this world of uncertainties and disappointments I shall be sure of happiness in his society, and he will enjoy more here on earth with me than he could enjoy in the companionship of saints and angels and of The Lord Himself in Heaven,' Could you dare to say this?

I hope this may encourage you in whatever trial you may be facing.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

10 Months

Shirley is in the double digits!  This is the first month where I've truly thought, time is flying. I can't believe she's already 10 months old.

In an outfit from her namesake, also known as Tilly.  :)  My little French girl.

This month was exciting because our friends, the Hodzi's, visited from Zimbabwe!  For those of you who don't know, Dany lived with us for 6 months my senior year of high school.  After 6 months she went back home to Germany and than she returned to go to the Master's college where she met her husband, Thomas.  Thomas is from Zimbabwe and they moved back there when he finished seminary to be involved with full time ministry.  (I basically copied her life.  ;) 

This is the best shot I got of Joel.  It was so fun to hear him rattling off in German.  I hadn't seen him since he was about Shirley's age and I had never met Aleithia.  (I know I'm spelling that wrong!)

The two girls with sweet Dany.

Don't you think they could be sisters??

Aleithia's so beautiful!

And the big accomplishment this month?  Standing with no hands!

Book Review

My friend, Jennifer, wrote a book.  

Everyday Poetry: Looking on the Bright Side of Life

When I think of Jen, two words come immediately to mind; friend and funny.

Jen deeply values friendships and she is a faithful friend herself.  She regularly hosts get togethers, whether it involves coffee at a local coffee shop or dinner and a movie at her house.  She cares for others and this is seen in her thoughtfulness.  
Jen is also really funny.  She makes me laugh in a way that few others do.  She uses her wit and sarcasm to form a creative sense of humor.  

Why am I going on about these two character traits of hers?  Because they shine forth in her book.  

In "My Forever Friend and Sister" she demonstrates how great friendships can be made within one's own family.  A Record of Rights reveals how friends can show us our own sin in a helpful way.  An Entirely Lovely Afternoon and Twilight reflect her enjoyment in spending time with those close to her.  

Jen's sense of humor is shown in poems like To My Headache, The Subtle Dangers of Whipped Cream and in one of my favorites, The Fugitive - a poem about a weird dream come to reality, a cheeseburger dropping by for a visit!  

Her creativity with words is seen in Harry the Canary, Questions Over Brunch and Unexpected Endings.  

While Jen excels with the unexpected and "experimentations on traditional form", you will still find the occasional traditional poem with beautiful word imagery in Unexpected Bougainvillea and Dictionary.

I have to admit, my favorite poems are always short and sweet and Jen has a number of these in her book.  I'll share a few with you:

Short Summer Haiku

Coffee in the shade.

Nice afternoon naps.

Fun parties at night.

The Inevitable Mr. M.

'Tis grand

to hold your hand

as we walk through life

as husband and wife.

and one last one,

Little Poem

At the end of the day,

I open the window and lie in bed.

Freedom flows through the curtains,

and cradles my head.

I actually meant to write this review awhile ago, but things worked out perfectly as it happens to be Jen's birthday today!  So, happy birthday my sweet friend!  Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us in your delightful book.  

You can order one yourself from Amazon, right here.  And seriously, you should get a copy yourself, if for no other reason than to read about that runaway cheeseburger!

9 Months

As per usual I am a little behind again in posting about Shirley.  Poor second child.  I'm definitely not planning on doing the monthly update again, maybe just a monthly picture.  

Usually I'm the one taking the pictures around here, but the one above was taken by her daddy!  I love that you can see her little teethies.  This month Shirley started pulling herself up on furniture, my legs, the dogs...okay not the dogs, she doesn't even know the dogs, but she'll pretty much pull herself up on anything.  

This little girl is such a character.  She makes the funniest noises and faces and she finally started saying "ma ma ma".  No, she doesn't know what it means yet, but someday!  She also learned how to clap and wave to friends.

Before I fell asleep last night I was looking at the picture of when I first met Shirley.  I will never forget that moment.  All those nine months I was wondering what she'd look like and what her little personality would be, and then I was so surprised to see that to me, she didn't look like either Kwacha or me, she just looked like her own person.  And now nine months later I just can't believe there was a time when she didn't exist.  I love her so much and daily thank God for her.  He is so kind and loving to give us such wonderful gifts.

"The Love of Christ constraineth us." 2 Cor. 5:14

"How much you owe unto your Lord!  Has He ever done anything for you?  Has He forgiven your sins?  Has He covered you with a robe of righteousness?  Has He set your feet upon a rock?  Has He established your goings?  Has He prepared heaven for you?  Has He prepared you for heaven?  Has He written your name in His book of life?  Has He given you countless blessings?  Has He laid up for you a store of mercies, which eye has not seen nor ear heard?

  

Then do something for Jesus, which is worthy of His love.  Give not a mere wordy offering to a dying Redeemer.  How will you feel when your Master comes, if you have to confess that you did nothing for Him - but kept your love shut up, like a stagnant pool, not flowing forth to His work.  Out on such love as that!

What do men think of a love which never shows itself in action?  Why, they say, 'Open rebuke is better than secret love.'  Who will accept a love so weak - that it does not actuate you to a single deed of self-denial, of generosity, of heroism, or zeal!  Think how He has loved you, and given Himself for you!  Do you know the power of that love?  Then let it be like a rushing mighty wind to your soul - to sweep out the clouds of your worldliness, and clear away the mists of sin.  

'For Christ's sake' be this the tongue of fire that shall sit upon you; 'for Christ's sake' be this the divine rapture, the heavenly affection to bear you aloft from earth; the divine spirit that shall make you bold as lions and swift as eagles in your Lord's service.  Love should give wings to the feet of service, and strength to the arms of labor.

Fixed on God with a constancy that is not to be shaken, resolute to honor Him with a determination that is not to be turned aside, and pressing on with an ardor never to be wearied - let us manifest the constraints of love to Jesus.  May the divine loadstone draw us heavenward towards itself!"

-Spurgeon