So, it has been a loooong time since I have put anything on here. A reflection of how crazy this semester has been so far. It's not so much that I have a ton more work, there is just less time to do the work that I now have. Anyway, over all, I have really enjoyed student teaching. Way more than I ever thought I would.
I was reading C.S. Lewis' book, Perelandra, right before I started student teaching and I read something in there that almost perfectly described how I felt about student teaching at the time. It says, "The thing still seemed impossible. But gradually something happened to him which had happened to him only twice before in his life. It had happened once while he was trying to make up his mind to do a very dangerous job in the last war. It had happened again while he was screwing his resolution to go and see a certain man in London and make to him an excessively embarrassing confession which justice demanded. In both cases the thing had seemed a sheer impossibilty: he had not thought but known that, being what he was, he was psychologically incapable of doing it; and then, without any apparent movement of the will, as objective and unemotional as the reading on a dial, there had arisen before him, with perfect certitude, the knowledge 'about this time tomorrow you will have done the impossible.' The same thing happened now. His fear, his shame, his love, all his arguments, were not altered in the least. The thing was neither more nor less dreadful than it had been before. The only difference was that he knew - almost as a historical proposition - that it was going to be done. He might beg, weep, or rebel - might curse or adore - sing like a martyr or blaspheme like a devil. It made not the slightest difference. The thing was going to be done. There was going to arrive, in the course of time, a moment at which he would have done it. The future act stood there, fixed and unaltered as if he had already performed it. It was a mere irrelevant detail that it happened to occupy the postition we call future instead of that which we call past. The whole struggle was over, and yet there seemed to have been no moment of victory...No sooner had he discovered that he would certainly try to kill the Un-man to-morrow than the doing of it appeared to him a smaller matter than he had supposed."
I'm starting to realize that I think it's kind of impossible to become very godly if we are never willing to get out of our comfort zones. One of my biggest struggles in life has been the fear of man, and the thought of having to get up and teach in front of a group of strangers, another teacher, and, once a week, a supervisor, absolutely terrified me. But I thought, somehow, I will most likely get through it. And now there is only a week left of my first assignment and it wasn't that bad at all. God truly helped me get through it and even greatly enjoy it! I had a wonderful teacher to learn from and a great class and now I am really sad to leave! The kids in the class are really sweet and some of them are so hilarious. There is this one kid who kind of reminds me of a little Taylor Hicks. Anyway, we kind of joke around sometimes and it's gotten to the point where he's a bit sassy with me. In class on Friday I can't remember what he said to me, but I was like, "Excuse me?" And he said, "What? You make fun of me, so now I'm getting back at you." Then I told him that you don't get to get back at the teacher. That's the privilege of being the teacher. Anyway, it was kind of funny, but I'm a bit worried that I'm not strict enough. I really try, I think it's kind of hard because I feel too young to be a teacher and the kids think I look too young to be a teacher also! Oh well! Now I'll see how first grade goes.
All in all, God has just been showing me how faithful and gracious He is, even when I am so unfaithful. I am so thankful that I have hope in Him!
When Grief Turns Physical
1 week ago