You have heard of those who have a "fear of commitment." Growing up I never thought I would be one of those people. Ever since I was four years old (yep, I started young) I wanted to get married someday and be a mom. It wasn't until I was in college that I first started dating (not that I went on a ton of dates, mind you) that I realized the truth. I was afraid of commitment. Mostly because I wanted to marry the "perfect man."
You know what? There is no perfect man. I know you know that. But it's really hard to convince yourself of that when you're single.
***A quick side note. Even though you shouldn't be looking for the perfect man, it's still okay to be somewhat "picky". As long as it's a godly pickiness and not a petty pickiness. You know what I mean? Here is a quote from JM that I find particulary helpful in this area:
"You see, the disciples missed the point like so many people today miss the point. I mean, you ought to rush to get in a lifelong relationship. But I'll tell you, they were right in this regard; you don't want to get in it with the wrong person, right? So, when you make that move, you better be sure you're looking for character and you better be sure you're looking for spiritual values and you better be sure you're getting involved with someone whose spiritual commitments are as deep and as far and as wide as yours are. And if you don't know that yet, then you better slow the process down. Or, otherwise, you may spend your whole life, one person trying to keep a relationship together. And that's tough ... that's very tough. So, on the one hand, I say find someone with like precious faith and like values who loves Jesus Christ and has a life goal the same asyou do and look, if God might not bring you together, but on the other hand, if you find someone you want to marry real fast and they don't have those values, you better back off. Marriage is a sacred thing. And it is the greatest gift that God could ever give. I can only tell you that from my own experience as you can from yours. That when you have two people who love Jesus Christ and love each other and live a life together under God's leading and direction and in the power of the Spirit, it gets so good sometimes you have to pinch yourself to think it's real. And that's as God intended it." ***
Even when I met Kwacha I was still a bit commitment-phobic. I knew he was different. By the third date I thought "maybe he's the one", because he has amazing character and integrity along with a lot of other great things. But I didn't know if we shared a similar enough sense of humor. I was worried that we didn't have enough extracurricular interests in common. I just wasn't sure! But THANKFULLY I said "yes" when he asked me to marry him. I am so so happy that I did.
Anyway, all that to say, I have now had two nightmares along this line. In the first dream we weren't married yet and I had just broken things off with him (just in the dream...we never broke things off in real life). I was engaged to be married to someone that I had dated before that I definitely wasn't interested in and I felt trapped. I thought, "What am I doing??!!" So I went to Kwacha and begged him to take me back. I woke up and was so relieved that I am married to him.
Last night I had another one. We were at this large camp. My mom and Emily were there as well, and again, we weren't married yet. I wasn't sure I should marry him and so numerous people convinced me to cut it off. So I did. I thought, "What was I thinking??!!" I was so sad. One day a group of us were walking in line (I'm guessing a lunch line?) and I saw Kwacha and asked if I could talk to him that night, he said "sure" but I couldn't wait so I said right there, "I didn't really want to break up with you." And he said, "Good, because I didn't want to break up with you." Then after that, or maybe it was before, Kwacha was in a bad part of town and I was so scared that he was going to die, so for some reason, I went there myself and started standing in front of the bad guy's cars as they were driving down the street. I don't know how it eneded, but again, when I woke up, I was so relieved!
I'm guessing I keep having these dreams because I could have made the biggest mistake of my life and said "no" to Kwacha. So thankful I didn't!
Nuance (a follow-up post)
1 day ago