Charlotte Zizipizgani Simwaka

Well, it's Saturday, February 6th and I had my second little girl two days ago.  I wanted to make sure I recorded her birth story before I get hazy on the details.  Charlotte arrived on her due date, Feb. 4th, 2016!  (Disclaimer:  Maybe don't read if you're a little squeamish.  Although I think I kept it pretty PG.)

On and off last week I had tons of Braxton Hicks and I'd go to bed and have a few false labor contractions.  I always knew they weren't the real deal because they were spaced far apart and never got very intense.  Wednesday morning, Kwacha and I went in for our last scheduled appointment with my OB.  He said that I was between 2-3 centimeters and she was ready to come anytime.  Because I have gestational diabetes with my pregnancies and I also had group b strep this time, he wanted to schedule an induction for that week.  We chose Saturday (which would have been today...crazy!) which seemed a bit early, but then our OB would be on call and he would be the one delivering her which we were happy about.  Still, I really wanted to go into labor naturally and that's what I was praying for.  I figured she had time!

Well, Wednesday night we went to sleep pretty late, around 12:30.  I didn't feel any differently than I had any other night (except I did have a little lower back pain when we went on a walk after dinner), so I thought I definitely wouldn't be going into labor.  Well, around 2:00 a.m. I started feeling those contractions again only this time they seemed a bit stronger.  After a few pretty intense ones I woke up Kwacha and told him that I thought this was it, but I wasn't positive, so we didn't need to get ready yet.  Well, a few minutes later they were coming every four minutes, so I decided to get up and do my makeup.  (With Shirley I didn't do that and I regretted it.  Ha!  I had told Kwacha that I didn't care how bad contractions were, I was getting ready this time.)  Kwacha called my mom and asked her to come over and stay with Shirley.  She was beyond excited.

Contractions continued to get more intense and closer together by now.  They were coming every 2-3 minutes and I had to stop what I was doing to get through them.  But I could still talk through them.  Kwacha called the hospital.  It was probably around 2:45 or 3 by this point.  Even though he told them that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, lasting for about a minute, and that I had had them for close to an hour, they still told him that we should stay home for another hour or two!  Kwacha said, "Forget it.  We're coming in."

Up until this point, I had determined that I was going to stay home as long as possible, that I would try and wait to get an epidural until I was farther along than last time, so at least 6 centimeters.  (This was partly in case I have to have a drug free labor in Malawi someday.  I wanted to be prepared.)  But when my mom got to our place I had had enough of the pain!  I said that I didn't care what I had said before.  I was getting an epidural as soon as I got to the hospital!  And why would anyone not get an epidural??

So, Kwacha and I packed the car and drove off.  I had one strong contraction in the car.  I'm still so thankful that we are only five minutes away from the hospital!  When we got to Emergency I seemed fine but told them I was in labor.  Thankfully I had one right after I sat in the wheelchair so I maybe seemed a bit more legit?  Anyway, I was wheeled up, had one contraction on the way, and when we got to our L&D room they told me to change into the gown and give a urine sample.  Well, I had 3-4 contractions in the bathroom, probably less than a minute apart.  This is when I started to get a little concerned.

When I came out of the bathroom, no one was in the room.  Not even Kwacha.  I started to get a little panicky but then Kwacha came in.  I told him I didn't know what to do.  Should I sit?  The contractions just seemed so bad!  Well, I wound up sitting on the bed and the nurse came in and started asking me lots of questions and hooked me up to a monitor.  I was getting lots of contractions and was just miserable sitting on the bed.  I wondered...when is she going to check me?!  Finally she did and she quickly and calmly said, "You're an 8 - 9."  I just said, "Oh my word!  Can I get an epidural??"  And she replied, "Probably not.  I'm not going to lie to you."  I don't even know why I asked it.  I knew there was no way I'd be able to sit still long enough to get one.  As soon as she responded with that, I felt ready to throw up, not just because of the pain, but primarily because of fear.  I felt trapped.  I was not ready for this.  I had never taken a class on natural childbirth.

I started to tell Kwacha, "I can't do this! I can't do this!!"  But another nurse came in and they started getting me ready.  The pain was immense.  And the contractions were right on top of each other.  I always kinda wondered, do you really need to make all that noise when you're in labor?  Well, I was shocked at the sounds coming out of me.  It seemed like the only thing that could possibly help ease the pain.  Pretty soon the doctor was there and it was time to push.  The nurses told me to try and stop screaming and internalize that to power the baby out.  It seemed like the hardest thing to do at that point, but I did my best.  A ring of fire and three sets of pushes after that and she was out! It still amazes me how you can go from the worst pain imaginable to utter relief and bliss.  They laid a little slimy Charlotte on top of me and I was so happy it was all over and she was with us!  It was 4:15 a.m.  Just about two hours after contractions had started.  I had been at the hospital for only 45 minutes.  If Kwacha had listened to the lady who told us to stay at home for an hour, we wouldn't have made it!

All of Thursday I didn't even want to think back on the labor, it seemed like a horror film.  But two days after with a little sleep, it didn't seem all that bad.  God's Word tells the truth, the pain is forgotten with the joy of bringing a new little life into the world.  I still will definitely get an epidural next time if humanly possible!  Ha!  But, at least I know it's possible and you survive!  (And I shouldn't even complain with such a short labor.)

I am just in awe of how God creates these beautiful little babies and gives us the privilege of raising them.  He is so good and a marvelous Creator!  We love our little Charlotte!

Thoughts, Shirley and a Recipe

I may have mentioned this before, but one of my favorite songs growing up was, "When I get to Heaven gonna walk with Jesus, when I get to Heaven gonna see His face, when I get to Heaven gonna talk with Jesus, saved by His wonderful grace!  Because I'm saved, saved, wonderfully saved, washed in the blood of the Lamb, Hallelujah! Saved, saved, wonderfully saved, and I'm so glad I am, Hallelujah!"
I still love it, and I think it really simplifies things for me.  I was reading over Matthew 5 this morning, the Beatitudes.  Jesus highlights the heart behind the Law.  He didn't come to abolish it but to fulfill it.  (Major paraphrasing there.)  I was kind of asking myself, how do I know if I'm trying to seek my own righteousness, or Christ's?  And I was reminded of my favorite verse, "Though you have not seen Him, you love Him.  Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:6-9)
It comes down to love.  When I love God I obey Him.  Just as when I truly love anyone, I sacrifice for them, I seek to please them.  And this is all based on His love for me first.  And all this is mine through faith by His grace!  So simple!  You know, until sin gets in the way.  But Jesus says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."  May we seek Jesus' righteousness all the time!

Shirley girly is going to be 17 months tomorrow, so I thought a little update is in order.  How she fills our lives with joy!  She is so full of personality.  Kwacha and I both grew up shy and quiet, but it's like God took our two personalities and canceled them out to create Shirley's!  She still says hi to everyone she sees and she loves to give kisses and hugs.  Especially "fish lip kissies" and "eskimo kissies!"  She has a newfound love for the park.  She just started going down the slide by herself and her favorite person to go with is Bren.   He calls her "Shirwee".  It's just super cute.
Of course, with all this personality comes a fair share of discipline!  She is very independent and strong-willed.  She definitely has whining down, especially when it's dinner time because she just wants more and more to eat!
She is learning a lot of new words and it's fun to see her say things that I didn't focus on teaching her. I taught her how to point to her eyes, ears, nose, mouth, etc.  But one day I asked her to show me her feet, which I had never asked her before, and she pointed to them; the same thing with her toe.  It's just amazing to see the things they pick up.
I just hope that one day, this spirited girl would pour her energy into the Lord and serving Him with her life.

Last thing I have today is a recipe for the most scrumptious, easy dessert!
I found the recipe on Pinterest from this site.

They are called "Flourless Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bars" and they are dangerously fast and easy to make.
I tweaked the recipe just a bit:

Ingredients:
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 light brown sugar (or coconut sugar - I also added 1 packet of truvia since the recipe calls for a 3/4 cup)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp kosher salt
1 large egg (at room temp.)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 tsp carob powder (or 1/2 semi-sweet chocolate chips)
1/3 cup old fashioned rolled oats (I used instant and it turned out fine)

Mix the first four ingredients until well-combined on medium, then add in the egg and vanilla and mix on medium-low.  Add in carob powder and stir in oats by hand.  Press into a greased 8x8 pan and bake in a 350 degree oven for 22 minutes.  Enjoy!  They are basically my new version of brownies!

Blessed Assurance

I am writing this post today in hopes of it being helpful to someone out there.  
Anyone who knows me well, knows that in the past I greatly struggled with assurance of salvation.  I guess I should give a little background first.  When I was five, my best friend at the time told me that to become a Christian, I had to ask Jesus into my heart.  I even remember where we were standing.  It was after school got out and we were right outside the bookstore at Grace Community Church.  I had never known a time when I did not know who Jesus is.  I was attracted to everything I knew about Him.  Why would I not want to be a Christian?  Of course I prayed the prayer with her.  Was I saved at that time?  I don't know for sure.  I can't remember what I thought about sin.  I knew I was a sinner, I knew that Jesus died for sin on the cross, but I don't remember having an understanding of repentance and turning from that sin.  

I'm also not sure when I started doubting whether I was truly saved, but I think it may have been sometime in Junior High.  That's when I started having a "quiet time."  (Time reading the Bible and praying.)  I did this with a very legalistic mindset though.  I felt that I needed to spend some time reading the Bible and then I could watch TV the rest of the night.  It was mostly a duty to me, although in High School I know I started enjoying reading the Bible.  But I remember lying in my bed at night, wondering if I should tell my mom that I was scared to die.  "If I tell her", I thought, "she will be so upset to find out that I may not be a Christian."  I'm sure I said "the prayer" over and over.  

Well, fast forward to September 11, 2001.  My family was in Hawaii on vacation.  (The only time I've ever been to Hawaii.)  It was my senior year of High School.  I remember that morning that I spent some time in the Word and I sang a few hymns on the balcony of our hotel looking out at the water.  I felt pretty good about everything.  Then my dad got a call from his boss at work and he told us to turn on the TV.  The first thing I saw was the World Trade Center on fire with the words, "America Attacked."  To say it kind of killed our vacation is an understatement.  From that moment on I was TERRIFIED.  I did not want to get on a plane to go home for fear that terrorists would take over our plane as well!  (However unlikely that would have been.)  I was extremely afraid to die.  So what did that have to say about my salvation?  

For years after that I struggled.  I started doubting everything, including whether or not God existed.  I desperately wanted to believe that He did, but I just wasn't sure.  How could I be saved if I was doubting even God's existence?  Sometimes I couldn't eat.  I thought that if God determined from the beginning of time who would be saved, and He had decided not to save me, then what was the point in living?  Except I was terrified to die so suicide was definitely not an option.  I felt scared and trapped and deeply depressed.  Things only started turning around when I poured out my heart to God and spent time reading His Word.  

Can I say that I think every person raised in the church needs to deal with these questions at some point?  It's not enough to say that if we have Christian parents we are Christian's.  No one is born a believer, we are all born sinners, hating God and loving our own sin.  

I remember later on that year, my High School Bible study leader asked to hear my testimony and at the end he said, you didn't mention anything about your sin.  This sent me into waves of terror again, but it was a good question.  I knew I was a sinner but did I really understand that it was so awful that I was deserving hell because of it?  

In college I really wrestled with this concept of sin and a new worry was forming.  Was I sorry enough for my sin?  I rarely cried over my sin.  Did I hate it enough?  Did I really repent if I wasn't constantly in tears over it?  

I found this quote sometime in college and it's been in a notebook of mine ever since.  I read it in Saved Without a Doubt by John MacArthur.  The main quote is from Ironside.  I don't know his first name, I just have Ironside written down.  :)  It goes like this:

"Test yourself in this way.  You once lived in sin and loved it.  Do you now desire deliverance from it?  You were once self-confident and trusting in your own fancied goodness.  Do you now judge yourself as a sinner before God?  You once sought to hide from God and rebelled against His authority.  Do you now look up to Him, desiring to know Him, and to yield yourself to Him?  IF you can honestly say "yes" to these questions, you have repented...and remember, it is not the amount of repentance that counts; it is the fact that you turn from self to God that puts you in the place where His grace avails through Jesus Christ.  Strictly speaking, not one of us have ever repented enough.  None of us has realized the enormity of our guilt as God sees it.  But when we judge ourselves and trust the Savior whom He has provided we are saved through His merits.  As recipients of His lovingkindness, repentance will be deepened and will continue day by day, as we learn more and more of His infinite worth and our own unworthiness."  

And John added to that, "Do you see the impulses of the new nature in your life?  If so, that's indicative of salvation.  If God's will has become your highest joy, and submission to His lordship your greatest delight, you are indeed a child of God - no matter how strong the pull of sin."  

A few years later I was still struggling when I was at the Resolved conference. One night we sang "Rock of Ages" and it became one of my favorite hymns.  

Here are a couple of verses:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Cleanse me from its guilt and power.

Not the labors of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone. 

John MacArthur has another saying that I have always loved, "It's not perfection, but direction."  

These things were all helpful but I think the thing that really helped settle me was dwelling on God's love for me and what Jesus did on the cross.  I finally realized that good works did not come from trying really hard.  Good works can NEVER save you.  That's super comforting because we can never do enough good works.  God saved me by His grace alone.  He gave me faith in Him.  And because of that faith and that joy that comes from that knowledge, I am a new person.  I want to obey!  It's from the heart!  It's not perfect.  Go read Romans 7.  But that new heart is there!  

A recent joy has been studying 1 John at Every Woman's Grace.  This book, like no other, has deepened my assurance.  That's why it was written!  (1 John 5:13 - "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life.")  A true believer believes that Jesus is the Son of God, they obey Him and they love others.  It's as simple as that.  Is that obedience and love perfect right now?  No, but it's there and growing and one day will be made perfect when we see Christ face to face!  

I love what Andrew Gutierrez (the previous High School pastor at GCC) would often say:
Something like, "When we are saved the rest of our life we live in obedience as a big 'thank you' back to God."

I'll end with "Blessed Assurance"

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! 
O what a foretaste of glory divine! 
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long;
this is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
angels descending bring from above
echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Perfect submission, all is at rest;
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
watching and waiting, looking above
filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

If you're reading this and you don't truly know God or you are doubting whether or not you do, please please please talk to someone who does know Him!  

One last thing.  (Okay I guess I didn't really end up there.)  I am so thankful for the body of Christ, the church.  God gives us fellow believers to comfort, strengthen, lovingly rebuke and encourage.  There are SO MANY people over the years that really helped me with all this and I feel like I have to mention them!  

My High School small group leader, Holly.  I must have driven her crazy with my constant questions and concerns, but she was so patient and loving.  Christen, one of my best friends growing up. My college roomie and High School friend, Melissa.  My college Bible study leader and his wife, Clint and Kim.    They had me over one night to their place and gave me many verses and helped me think through things and they talked with me other times too.  Heather.  She talked with me at a college retreat once and wrote me a super long email that I still have to this day somewhere. Beth, one of my Junior High teachers and later I had her in college too!  She talked with me in her office one day.  Glenna, Nicole and Mariejtie.  All three of them discipled me in and after college.  My pastors and the many helpful sermons they preached, John MacArthur and Rick Holland.  And most of all my parents and sister.  They put up with everything for years!  And they were so patient and loving and helpful all the way through.  There are so many others.  God used each of you in my life and I am so thankful. 

Hiking

Kwacha, Shirley and I have started a new thing.  Well, new for us.  We hike!  :)  Actually I wouldn't even say that hiking is new for us, but habitual hiking is.  We've gone hiking in a number of places but we've landed on a favorite.  The above picture is my favorite spot on the trail and it pretty much looks exactly like this.  I barely touched that photo.  

Going on frequent hikes has allowed us to see things we wouldn't see if we only went ever so often.  We have seen beetles (oh joy!), bunnies, caterpillars, frogs and even deer!  God is just such a brilliant Creator!  I love being out in His creation.  It's also a wonderful form of exercise.  I don't know of any other kind that is so enjoyable.  

The hills have been so green after the rain we had this year.  In these pictures, it's actually started to brown.  Can you believe that Santa Clarita was greener than this even?!

I also just love the time spent with Kwacha and Shirley.  I learn new things about my husband as we traipse through the mountains.  On Saturday night, I found out that he once killed a chicken by jumping on it accidentally.  He then plucked it, cooked it and ate it!  And he was only about 13 years old apparently.  That's what you get with an African husband.  :)

Kwacha spotted this gorgeous pack of lupines.  Have any of you ever read the story, Miss Rumphius? If you haven't, you should.  I always think of it when I see these flowers.

Anyway, I highly suggest hiking if you don't already do it!

New Year

New Year's Resolutions.  I'm finally talking about them in February.  Have you been asked if you made any yet?  I think I've been asked two or three times and I had to admit that I hadn't made any.  It seems like people are either passionately for them or aggressively against them.  I wouldn't say that I fit either of the extremes but I would tend toward the latter.  I'm not against making new year's resolutions by any means.  It's good to sit back and evaluate where you are at and where you'd like to be.

It's been discussed before but the main reason I typically don't make them is because after January I tend to forget about them.  The hype ends in February and you get back into the normal, daily routine of life.  

I found some statistics about new year's resolutions on the ole internet.  

45% of American's usually make them.

8% of American's are successful in achieving them.  

But, "People who explicitly make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't explicitly make resolutions."

(All of my info was found from www.statisticbrain.com).

Why do we make resolutions at all?

Hopefully, for a believer, the ultimate purpose is to grow in godliness and glorify God.

So, I finally came up with one.  Just one.  I think one single resolution will help me actually attain it and put things in focus.  And it's a resolution that will help make all other pursuits possible and bring about real change and that is to be faithful in prayer.

I read a really helpful devotional by Elizabeth Elliot this morning about prayer.  I'll copy some of it here:

"'If you, bad as you are, know how to give your children what is good for them, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask Him?' (Matt. 7:11, NEB).  Are you often tempted as I am to doubt the effectiveness of prayer?  But Jesus prayed.  He told us to pray.  We can be sure that the answer will come, and it will be good...Prayer is a weapon.  Paul speaks of the 'weapons we wield' in 2 Cor. 10:4-5.  They are 'not merely human, but divinely potent to demolish strongholds' (NEB)...The Destroyer himself, [urges] me to quit using the weapon he fears so intensely."  

From Keep A Quiet Heart

Prayer is effective.  God is faithful to answer.  He tells us to pray.  And Satan fears it.  

I finished out the last few months of 2014 spending much more time in the Word but by the time my hour or so was up every morning before I needed to get Shirley out of bed, I hadn't spend more than about a minute or two praying to God.  This morning I decided to get out my journal and write down things to pray for using the old A.C.T.S. method (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) and then I spend some time praying through those things. What a difference it makes spending time talking to our God!

It's actually been about a week since I started this post.  Things are still going well.  (I would hope so after only a week.)  Isn't it amazing that God wants to hear from us?  And that He actually listens to us and answers our prayer??  The God of the universe!  That in itself should convict us and lead us to prayer.  Do any of you readers out there have any little things that help you to be faithful in prayer?  I'd love to hear!

My One Year Old

Shirley is now one year old.  As of yesterday.  She's officially no longer considered a baby but a toddler!  What??!!  NO!!!!  Okay, I"m not really that sad, but it's definitely bittersweet.  I looked through a bunch of her pictures and videos yesterday along with the ones taken moments after she was born.  It made my heart hurt.  It just went by so fast.  She can never be a baby again and I now fully understand why every momma will tell you to treasure and savor each moment.  
How can I even begin to describe how much I love her?  I spent much of yesterday morning thanking God for her.  I read over Psalm 103.  It describes all that God has done for us.  He's forgiven us of ALL our sins, He's healed all of our diseases, He redeems us from the pit, He crowns us with lovingkindess and mercy.  All of that is WAY BEYOND what we deserve.  In fact, it's completely opposite of what we deserve.  And then He chooses to give us more blessings beyond all of that.  Blessings like my sweet little funny Shirley.  
She's now walking all over the place, like a little waddling penguin.  I have a bag of clothes of hers that I'm getting ready to donate (In fact, anyone have a little girl under a year that's in need of clothes?  Let me know!)  and she'll take one piece out at a time and walk around dragging it behind.  
She has started to make a surprised face all the time.  She forms her mouth into a large O and her eyes become wide as the moon.  
She blows kisses, and she finally started to give me little kisses!  She kinda just leans her mouth towards my face.  
She loves her little stuffed doggie and calls it "Dah-dee".  When I wake her up from nap time she has to grab him and bring him along.  
She loves everyone she meets and will reach out for complete strangers to hold her.  Emily let a random lady in Starbucks hold her the other day.  
I thought that being a new mom to a little baby would be so hard.  I thought I would be lonely at home.  I thought her cries would bug me.  I thought that I would get bored playing with simple toys and reading simple books to her.  I thought I would still love being a mom but I didn't realize how much!  I don't mind if she's my only company during the day.  Her cries make my heart break, even when she's crying out of sinful anger.  I could spend hours (maybe) playing with her and snuggling with her as we fight over who turns the pages of her books!  
When I woke her up yesterday morning the sudden brightness of the light caused her to look at me all squinty-eyed and she smiled a sweet little smile.  I picked her up and she snuggled her head on my shoulder for almost two minutes!  (A rare thing for this always-on-the-go girl.)  It was like a little gift to me on her birthday.  I realized her birthday is more like mine because I'm the one who got the greatest little gift the day she was born.  I'm almost in tears just thinking of it and God's goodness.  
Some wondered why Kwacha and I wanted to have a baby right away, but I don't care what anyone thinks about it.  We wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  Shirley has brought us even closer, figuring out how to care for a little newborn, noticing little bits of each of us in her face.  We get to thank God for her together and depend on Him even more for wisdom in how to raise her.  Most of all we pray that one day she might know Him, love Him and serve Him and experience that greatest joy of all, being with Him for eternity.  
Thanks for reading about Shirley this past year and sharing in our joy.  We are thankful for all of you too!

Sovereignty in the Details

During the wee hours of Sunday morning my Uncle Gary's gallbladder ruptured.  We weren't sure if there were other problems involved but it wound up only being his gallbladder.  He had surgery that night and is now in recovery and he is going to be okay.  We are all so grateful.
Another little something happened on Sunday and I hesitated in writing this at first, just because I know my own heart and how easy it is to seek attention for silly things.  But I am just so thankful to God in the way He kept my little family safe and when I think about it, it reminds me of His loving care and sovereignty.
On Sunday afternoon as we headed back home from church, Kwacha, Shirley and I got in a little accident.  We skidded a bit on some large puddles right before a giant wave hit our windshield and completely blocked our view of the road.  We crashed into yellow sand barrels, which protected us from hitting a concrete barrier, but which also sent us back into the lane.  Kwacha lost control of the car and we clipped, of all things, a tow truck!  We didn't have to wait around for CHP in the rain.  (Don't worry, we DID file a report with our insurance later that day.)  The tow truck owner was on his way back to his lot with an empty truck.  So he took us home and then took our car back to the lot with him.  Our car was definitely totaled but we all came out without a single injury, not even whiplash.
I mean, God is in the details, isn't He??  We could have crashed into anything after that wave hit our windshield, but we hit sand barrels put their for our safety.  We could have crashed into another car causing injury to others but we didn't.  Out of all cars we hit a tow truck!  His truck was fine and he was able to take us home immediately.  And on top of that, God protected my sweet husband and precious baby.
He could have not spared us and He would still be just as good and sovereign.  He could not have spared Uncle Gary and yet He would still be just as good and sovereign.  I thought of Philippians 2:7 where Paul talks about how God had mercy on Epaphroditus when He spared him from death.  He never has to spare us from death, but it is always by His mercy when He does.  I am so thankful that I serve such a loving, powerful God!

The Companionship of the Lord Himself

I don't really have anything in particular to write about today, except some random thoughts perhaps. Shirley is wonderful to me but there are other things in life besides Shirley.
Speaking of Shirley though, I do love her so much.  And I absolutely love my husband.  I have a few friends that can bring themselves to tears just thinking about loved ones dying.  I was never one of those girls until I got married.  Okay, I know this post is starting to get morbid but stay with me.  I know that worrying about what could happen is never productive.  What is the point in worrying about something that may not happen (and usually won't)?  As the Bible says, "sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt. 6:34)  But I do sometimes wonder to myself how I would handle a really difficult trial like that.  I know that God's grace is great.  When my dad died I experienced the comfort of God through His Word and sweet friends.  He does give a peace that is beyond understanding.  But as hard as it was to say goodbye to my dad for now, in my mind I think it would be even harder to have to say goodbye to Kwacha or Shirley.  Could I handle it?  I think it comes down to this: Do I love God more than anyone or anything else?
That is an important question to ask myself.  I may not have to worry about Kwacha or Shirley dying today, but how is my life right now a living testimony that I love God more than either of them?  I'm not writing an answer to that right now.  I have to search my heart.  But the cool thing is, if I love God more than them, I am also going to love them in just the way that I should!  That is an extremely comforting thought.
I shared the following with a couple of friends recently who experienced the extremely difficult trial of miscarriage.  I can't empathize with them, but I definitely sympathize.  
It's a quote from Stepping Heavenward.  One of my favorite books. It's at a point in the book where an older lady who had lost most of her family is talking to a younger girl whose fiancé had just died.

Sometimes I find it a help, when dull and cramped in my devotions, to say to myself: Suppose Christ should now appear before you, and you could see Him as He appeared to His disciples on earth, what would you say to Him? This brings Him near, and I say what I would say if He were visibly present. I do the same when a new sorrow threatens me. I imagine my Redeemer as coming personally to say to me, 'For your sake I am a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; now for My sake give me this child, bear this burden, submit to this loss,' Can I refuse Him? Now, dear, He really has come to you in this way, and asked you to show your love to Him, your faith in Him, by giving Him the most precious of your treasures. If He were here at this moment, and offered to restore it to you, would you dare say, 'Yes, Lord, I know, far better than You do, what is good for him and good for me; I will have him return to me, whatever it may cost; in this world of uncertainties and disappointments I shall be sure of happiness in his society, and he will enjoy more here on earth with me than he could enjoy in the companionship of saints and angels and of The Lord Himself in Heaven,' Could you dare to say this?

I hope this may encourage you in whatever trial you may be facing.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

Shirley at Five Months

Anyone can see by that nice little ticker above that I am once again late in posting about Shirley.  And once again I only had one post in between this one and the last monthly update on Shirley.  But stay tuned.  I will have a new easy little recipe up soon.  One that has (kinda) brought ice cream back into my life.  Anyway, on to Shirley.  

This time, I didn't touch up the pictures at all.  I am currently taking a free online Photoshop class and  I'm spending so much of my free time watching those lessons that I just don't have time to fix these up.  I just need to get them on here.  I don't have a baby book yet, so this is kind of my only way right now to remember how Shirley is developing.  And yes, probably only family and a few close friends care but why am I apologizing?  Look at that cute face!

Who me?

Attacking her dog.  Shirley has become much more aware of her toys this month.  She's finally playing with them!

And she's beginning to sit up with help.  She actually does pretty good balancing with no help, not even from a boppy pillow, for about ten seconds maybe.

But toppling is still the norm.

The classic picture with her dog.

Do we really have to do this again?

These days she's putting EVERYTHING into her mouth.

She is just so curious about everything.  She is always looking around.  

She's also drooling a lot.  We think she's teething due to the drooling, biting and other symptoms.  But she's still our happy baby!

She's also laughing all the time.  The other morning I was sitting in our living room eating my breakfast and I could hear her laughing to herself in her crib.  Most mornings I play the piggy game with her toes and I have been waiting for her to laugh when I say "Whee whee whee whee whee, all the way home" as I tickle her.  She finally did it today!

I know I say it every time, but I just love her!  I can't imagine wanting to do anything else than stay at home and be her mom.  I can't believe I get to call it my job!  I thank God for her every day and for the privilege of being her mom.  I also pray daily that God would save her at a young age and give her a love for Him and a desire to serve Him with her life.

Mad About...

Pregnancy!

You better not be thinking that my baby looks like an alien.  (Okay actually you totally can, because I sure think she does right now.)  A friend at work thought her face was her whole body, but that's actually her arms and belly below her face.  I know these things can be hard to decipher.

 

Can I just say that I l.o.v.e. LOVE being pregnant?  I kinda always thought I would but wasn't sure.  I mean -- throwing up, having no energy, gaining weight that can be hard to lose, not to mention the PAIN of CHILDBIRTH!! what's so great about that?  But seriously, so far I have loved every (pretty much) minute of it.

 

By the way, totally lied up there.  I have not always thought I would love it.  When I was a kid I was freaked out at the thought of giving birth.  I had seen enough movies at a young age of women giving birth.  No thanks.  Adoption for me!  I really did tell my mom that I would adopt when I grew up.

However, the older I grew and the more I understood what an amazing thing pregnancy is, I couldn't wait.  I mean, really folks, a tiny little person grows INSIDE of you!  They feed off you, they call your belly home, and they live in there for 9 months!  It's crazy!  Kwacha is just fascinated by the idea that a baby's safest place is it's mothers womb.  You'd think with where technology is today (and it is pretty amazing how they can keep 24 week old babies alive now), they might even do better outside.  But God has created the perfect little environment for these sweet little things.

 

The "profile" shot.  It's really not, the sonographer couldn't get a good profile shot, but I like how she's waving.  :)

 

I know I might feel a little differently in about 20 weeks when I'm not getting any sleep at night but right now I can't wait to meet her. 

 

Here's a full body shot, head on the left, legs on the right.  She's about the length of a banana here head to toe.

 

And, I'm sorry if anyone finds the following inappropriate but....

 

...proof she's a girl!

 

The sonographer told us that in ultrasound school her teacher taught them that when looking for gender, for a girl you look for a hamburger (three lines).  Well, there it is!

I am so thankful that God would allow us to become parents and I pray that she would continue to do well in there so that we can meet her!  His sovereignty is always wise and good, so matter what happens, I am so thankful for the experience He's given us so far!

 

Seek Jesus!

C. H. Spurgeon*** August 23*** Love and Seek True Wisdom*** I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. (Proverbs 8:17) Wisdom loves her lovers and seeks her seekers. He is already wise who seeks to be wise, and he has almost found wisdom who diligently seeks her. What is true of wisdom in general is specially true of wisdom embodied in our Lord Jesus. Him we are to love and to seek, and in return we shall enjoy His love and find Himself. Our business is to seek Jesus early in life. Happy are the young whose morning is spent with Jesus! It is never too soon to seek the Lord Jesus. Early seekers make certain finders. We should seek Him early by diligence. Thriving tradesmen are early risers, and thriving saints seek Jesus eagerly. Those who find Jesus to their enrichment give their hearts to seeking Him. We must seek Him first, and thus earliest. Above all things Jesus. Jesus first and nothing else even as a bad second. The blessing is that He will be found. He reveals Himself more and more clearly to our search.... Happy men who seek One who, when He is found, remains with them forever, a treasure growingly precious to their hearts and understandings. Lord Jesus, I have found Thee; be found of me to an unutterable degree of joyous satisfaction.

God's Elect

I love the following excerpt from Spurgeon's devotional because it is so clear and concise.  I remember my own days of wrestling with this truth, and I have heard of so many who say they are not believer's because they know they are not chosen.  May it encourage you!

C. H. Spurgeon

---

"Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God."—1 Thessalonians 1:4.

ANY persons want to know their election before they look to Christ, but they cannot learn it thus, it is only to be discovered by "looking unto Jesus." If you desire to ascertain your own election;—after the following manner, shall you assure your heart before God. Do you feel yourself to be a lost, guilty sinner? go straightway to the cross of Christ, and tell Jesus so, and tell Him that you have read in the Bible, "Him that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out." Tell Him that He has said, "This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners." Look to Jesus and believe on Him, and you shall make proof of your election directly, for so surely as thou believest, thou art elect. If you will give yourself wholly up to Christ and trust Him, then you are one of God's chosen ones; but if you stop and say, "I want to know first whether I am elect," you ask you know not what. Go to Jesus, be you never so guilty, just as you are. Leave all curious inquiry about election alone. Go straight to Christ and hide in His wounds, and you shall know your election. The assurance of the Holy Spirit shall be given to you, so that you shall be able to say, "I know whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed to Him." Christ was at the everlasting council: He can tell you whether you were chosen or not; but you cannot find it out in any other way. Go and put your trust in Him, and His answer will be—"I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." There will be no doubt about His having chosen you, when you have chosen Him. "Sons we are through God's election,
Who in Jesus Christ believe."

---

Today

I had a really long posting streak for a while there.

And then it just ... DIED.

I'm not promising anything different for those of you who have been waiting with bated breath.  HA.  just kidding.  (This blog has no comments for a reason.  Don't kid yourself Amanda.)

No but really, sometimes it is nice just for me to have an online journal of sorts to look back on and see some things that God has taught me, or brought me through.  He is so faithful.

I really drifted far away from the purpose I wanted this blog to have.  To recount God's faithfulness and to grow in thankfulness for who He is and what He does.

Not that blogging DIY projects and recipes is bad.  There is definitely a place for that.  It can be so helpful.  But this blog became way too much about ME.

Our days are numbered.  Life is about God. 

I was talking to a close friend (temporary family member) this morning and she was encouraging me that life should not look something like this, for example:

...where you're just trying to stick Jesus into the little cracks of other things that are taking up too much of your thoughts and attention.

 

But this:

 

Jesus is our life and all those other things fit in.  Of course we have to give them some attention, but in light of who Christ is.  They do not become the focus.

I don't know if that is helpful for you, but it really is for me.

This was brought up in light of a conversation about John 15 and what it means to abide in Christ.

I was reading somewhere else this weekend in The Practice of Godliness by Jerry Bridges, that to grow in godliness we need to have a:

 

fear of God

love for God

and desire for God

 

I certainly want those things to be true of me. 

 

This last quote was something that encouraged me today as I often find myself worrying about tomorrow.  It's from John MacArthur's book, Anxious for Nothing, which is actually free right now if you call in to Grace to You for your first time.



“Lack of joy is a sin for the child of God.  By worrying about tomorrow, many believers miss the victory God would give them today.  That is not fair to Him.  ‘This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it’ (Ps. 118:24 NIV).  God gives you the glorious gift of life today; live in the light and full joy of that day, using the resources God supplies.  Don’t push yourself into the future and forfeit the day’s joy over some tomorrow that may never happen.  Today is all you really have, for God permits none of us to live in tomorrow until it turns into today.” -JM

I hope these things can encourage you as they do me! 

Oxymoron?

I was reading John 13 earlier this week partly because Patti wanted it read at her memorial service (which was amazing and deserves its own post) and also because it's one of my favorite passages in the Bible. 
This time I was struck by verse 3 and the first part of verse 4.  Its says, "Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper."
I don't have too much to say about it, but look at it!  Read it again.  Verse 3 says some amazing things about Jesus.  It point out His diety and it talks about where He came from and the place He was returning to shortly.  It tells us that Jesus is God and that everything belongs to Him!  My measly words can't even begin to explain it, my little mind can't even comprehend what that place is like. 
And then it says that He "rose from supper."  Such a mundane thing compared to the profound truth right before.  It's something you and I do every day.  We get up after we eat a meal. 
I don't know, it just reminded me again of the amazing truth that Jesus is God and man.  And that He became a man so that we can one day be with Him in that amazing place. 
So thankful!

Receptionist Duty

I really like covering for the receptionist at work. 

And I really don't like the quality of camera on my new(ish) phone.

Two seemingly unrelated things, I know.

When Michelle is gone sometimes I cover for her and that means I can arrive at work an hour later because I normally stay an hour longer in such cases.  Last Thursday (and tomorrow!) was just such a day, so I decided to use that hour and go to Starbucks to read.  I sat outside by the fountain and it was so nice!

(Here is where the sadness of my camera phone comes in.  I really miss the camera on my old one, but a smartphone was just really impractical for me.)

Anyway, here are a few pictures of the morning.

While I was looking at the fountain a hummingbird came by and flittered around, drank some water then zoomed off.  I just can't get over God's creation.  The speed on that little bird!  Amazing!  It's just so sweet to think of how God cares for and provides water for these little creatures.  Then we know He can definitely take care of us!

A breeze came by and I got a face full of jasmine scent!  Mmmm...is any smell better?

A classic short soy chai.  Say it three times fast.  C'mon!  The barista's can't do it most of the time.  ;)

Anna is letting me borrow Martin Lloyd Jone's commentary on Ephesians 1.  So good!  It's the first time I've read anything by him and he is so readable!  Even his commentary which you would think would tend to be more academic.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning!

Him hath God exalted

I read the excerpt below from Spurgeon's Morning by Morning and halfway through I started thinking about my dad and missing him. Just how I love my family still...but. It is not wholly complete without him. I just miss how we all interacted as a family. How we all joked around or had some our deeper meaningful conversations at the dinner table. I miss his counsel. But then I finished the Spurgeon devotional and I couldn't be sad anymore. He is in Heaven with Jesus and pretty soon we will be too. I can't wait!

"Him hath God exalted."

-Acts 5:31

Jesus, our Lord, once crucified, dead and buried, now sits upon the throne of glory. The highest place that heaven affords is his by undisputed right. It is sweet to remember that the exaltation of Christ in heaven is a representative exaltation. He is exalted at the Father's right hand, and though as Jehovah he has eminent glories, in which finite creatures cannot share, yet as the Mediator, the honors which Jesus wears in heaven are the heritage of all the saints. It is delightful to reflect how close is Christ's union with his people. We are actually one with him; we are. Members of his body; and his exaltation is our exaltation. He will give us to sit upon his throne, even as he has overcome, and is set down with his Father on his throne; he has a crown, and he gives us crowns too; he has a throne, but he is not content with having a throne to himself, on his right hand there must be his queen, arrayed in "gold of Ophir". He cannot be glorified without his bride. Look up, believer, to Jesus now; let the eye of your faith behold him with many crowns upon his head; and remember that you will one day be like him, when you shall see him as he is; you shall not be so great as he is, you shall not be so divine, but still you shall, in a measure, share the same honors, and enjoy the same happiness and the same dignity which he possesses. Be content to live unknown for a little while, and to walk your weary way through the fields of poverty, or up the hills of affliction; for by-and-by you shall reign with Christ, for he has "made us kings and priests unto God, and we shall reign forever and ever." Oh! Wonderful thought for the children of God! W have Christ for our glorious representative in heaven's courts now, and soon he will come and receive us to himself, to be with him there, to behold his glory, and to share his joy.

A litte quote...

What does your time in prayer look like?

I read a convicting quote recently.  My friend, Jessica, posted it.

"A man is what he is on his knees before God—and nothing more." - Robert Murray McCheyne

Ouch.

Robery Murray McCheyne is one of Andrew Gutierrez's (the high school pastor at GCC) favorite authors.  I haven't read anything by him but now I want to.

I have come to the realization that with the way my mind works these days, I have to write things down to focus.  People may scoff at the amount of notes I take on Sundays, but my primary purpose for that is that it helps me pay attention and stay focused.

The notebook above is a prayer journal that I was sharing with a friend for awhile, lately I've been using it to take notes, but now I am converting it back to a personal prayer journal.  I hope it helps me.  I so WANT to be faithful in prayer. I want to know that closeness with the Lord and peace that results from bringing everything to Him.

I want to see prayers answered, to have my faith grown, to bring other's needs to God and trust in His sovereignty.

Would you do me the honor of praying about this for me?  And ask me when you see me how it's going?

Thank you.

I need it.

Update: Andrew just sent this to the high school staff. Perfect timing!
http://desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/cultivating-private-prayer-as-a-pastor

A Reading Nook

One of my favorite things to do after a long day at work is to come home and read.

I like to sit on my bed, grab a pillow, lean against the window sill and ever so often look out at the pretty view.  Framed by my little plants.

Right now I'm trying to read through the Bible quickly.  I know a couple people, yes more than two, that have read the whole Bible in a month!

I don't know if I'll make it that fast...but I'd love to read it in maybe just 3 months.

It's so cool to see the different things God teaches you as you reread a passage you've read many times before.  His Word is living and active!

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

What are you reading right now?  I want to know!  :)

Happiness is...

...focusing on and thanking God for what He has given me already, not focusing on and complaining about what I don't have that I want. 

Colossians 3:15 "And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  And be thankful."

Psalm 69:30 "I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify Him with thanksgiving."

Psalm 100:4 "Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise!  Give thanks to Him; bless His name!"

Psalm 4:7 "You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and their wine abound."

and one more:

Psalm 16:11 "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Because of God's amazing love, we have so much to be thankful for!  Everything in fact.  :)

(Oh and on a more earthly level, looking at that picture above, happiness is sleeping in.  Yay for Saturday tomorrow!)

Life

The above picture is a shot of the plant in my room, from it's good side.  I am notorious for killing plants.  A green thumb I do not have.  But this one has managed to live for over a year!  A lady at work gave it to me last Christmas as a "Secret Sibling" gift.  I take unnecessary pride in this plant; unnecessary in the sense that I have really had nothing to do with keeping it alive.  I water it occasionally.  And I placed it near the window where it can get a little sun.  That's it. (1 Corinthians 3:7 - "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.")  And like I said before, this is it's good side.  The plant is not nearly as vibrant as it could be, because even though it's right near my bed and I see it every day, I still forget to water it. 

I find it fascinating (but I guess not all that surprising) how many things in creation are pictures of God and our relationship with Him.  The sun (and I've probably written about this before) is the center of the solar system.  The planets revolve around it and it is the source of light just like Christ is the center of our lives and He is the source of light: knowledge, holiness and glory.

In Proverbs, sluggards are told to go the ant and learn how to work.

Same goes for plants.  Psalm 1:2-3 says, "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers."

If I forget to water my plant or open the shades it starts to die.  The plant needs that water and light!  Same goes with me.  If I don't drink God's Word each day and bask in His light, I start to smell of death.  Sin is right there.  But with some water and sun, with the Word, life is renewed!  It's amazing to see how well my little plant improves when I cut off the dead leaves and give it something to drink.  Same goes with the refreshment I receive from God's Word and time spent in prayer with Him!

2 Corinthians 4:6 "For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shown in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."

So drink up friends!  Enjoy your day!